So last night I went card gaming in Eclectic Games in town. I had forgotten how enjoyable nights like that were tbh. A bunch of lads hanging out, playing cards, trading spares, teaching new comers and giving each other advice in between jokes and light, merry conversation. It was enough to make me forget some of my worries, for which I am very greatful for. I did spend a little cash on some of the new set for the WoW ccg (don’t mock it until you’ve tried it…), I played a round with a non-updated deck (which lost messily) and then – in the space of 15 mins threw a new deck together out of the new cards. End result was a deck which won one, lost one and drew on its last game – all against better equipped decks. So I was pretty pleased. 
I got back to my hotel for about 1030pm, spoke with Kai, setup my x-box and a dvd and ran myself a nice hot bath. After 5 minutes in said bath, the fire alarm went off. After some swearing and a hurried rush to put some clothes on I fled my room….only to find out in the lobby that it was a false alarm caused by some prat wanting a smoke. Cold, wet and now more than a little honked off I returned to my room. I warmed the bathwater again, soaked for 15-20 mins (I know – women enjoy a nice bath more than me) before phoning Kai once more to say goodnight.
When I eventually awoke at 730am I panic’d, dove out of bed and into a shower, ironed my clothes (not at the same time) and departed my room after restoring the tv to hotel control. I had another delightful breakfast, vowed to go swimming and went to my course at 845am. After a 15min sweaty bus ride I arrived, class started at 930am. Lunch was ok, but not the best I have had here by far. Oh I also got more word on my poor car 
Looks like we’re going with the weld as a) I can’t afford to replace the gearbox (the warranty co won’t pay for it and in fact almost backed out on paying for the clutch) and b) I need the car back, soon. Kai and I have some special stuff planned this weekend and we really need the car for it. Considering we can’t afford the celebrations I would want for the occaision, a poor man’s picnic will have to do. There are times when I wonder if she would have been better off, financially and socially in Edinburgh with all our friends, I know how much she loves me, and I her but part of that for me has always been about making your decisions based on what would be best for your partner as well as yourself. Don’t get me wrong I love her being here with me, in fact there is no-one else I ‘d rather have but I still worry that the move was the best thing for her and the kids, I do wonder if I am worthy of her too sometimes as she is a great person who, I think deserves much better than I can currently give her. *sigh*
Oh well time to remove the hand stapled to my forehead and get back to work. I’ll post some more tomorrow.
D.
A thought on the car – did you buy it less than a month ago? If so, then have you gone back to the company which sold it to you? You should have a 30-day warranty from them, as well as the one underwritten by the warranty company. They have basically sold you duff goods! Go back to them and whinge about SoGA and consumer rights and see how you get on?
On the subject of the move, I think there’s only so far you can “do what’s best for the one you love”. There’s a point where general protection turns into an overbearing shield that doesn’t allow that person to grow. I assume that you and Kai discussed the move before making it, and don’t get the impression that she would have moved if it weren’t something that she was comfortable with!
There are plenty of ways to nobble one’s own brain, but I do think that the “they could do better” one is a particularly daft one. People team up in couples for a variety of reasons, but in general there’s a feeling that, at the current time, they’re happy with what the other has to offer. I’m sure Kai will tell you if there is ever a time when she becomes less happy with things! The thing is that you can only do your best, and give your best, and no one will expect more out of you than that.
Comment by Tania — April 24, 2007 @ 9:04 pm
I can’t possibly imagine the strains and struggles you have all gone through what with this move and with starting a new job and being away from the family with so much training, etc. but I do know this, you are a good man with a good heart let no other thought you have take that away from you (man that sounds chessy… mmmmm heart with grilled cheese… sorry).
Okay, serious Adam now… no really.
What I’m going to say may be blunt and I really feel I should share this.
No you are not perfect, but that is because no one is. Please take courage in that.
I have found with myself that I have choices to make, I am a flawed individual and I have choosen to try and fix them, but this has proven to be a painful and slow process. Yet there are some areas I know I should change and should be rid of but I do nothing about them because as problematic as they are they are also a security for me, in a flawed way, because what is familiar is comforting the new and unknown, especially in the matters of the heart, scares all of us.
I really do believe that as humans we should better ourselves, we should leave this world a better place because we lived here, that may not be a massive way but I firmly believe that the world is changed through the small changes as well as the big. That by building stronger, more truthful, closer relationships with friends, family, those we love specially, and even those not close to us these small things can make us better.
What you and Kai have is special, if you both feel that then, and I make no appology for saying this, you both need to work through your issues and be honest with each other about your feelings not just to each other but also as to where the relationship is going. If you believe you have commitment issues then Kai should acknowledge this and with you work through the issues. Its as partnership in so many ways, and each of you need to accept the other has flaws but also that you need to work on the flaws together, not in a negative way but in such a way as to strengthen your bond to each other and grow closer and deeper in love. Its chessy of looking at this but I do in many ways think of love as a fire, the closer you get to someone, the more the fire illuminates, the thing is the fire as well as showing the impurities can also cleanse them as it does in a furnace.
I have no idea if what I have said makes any sense, or if you agree with it, or if I have managed to insult you through it (which I hope I haven’t) but I did feel that I should write this.
Please be assured that you are in my thoughts and although we may all be separated by miles your friends up here do love you both and are here for you if you need us.
(and hopefully no of this sounded like I should have been on a pulpit)
Comment by Lurch Kimded — April 25, 2007 @ 6:00 pm